HELPING A FRIEND SHOULDN'T MEAN CRISIS

Spot on Tessa! The other thing that I often hear is "Why me"! In my usual, very tactful way - I always reply "Well why not you?" or my other favorite "Because it was your turn!" - well that's just me, but I do like that "it's because we were facing in the wrong direction."

Well done on another great insightfull article!

Helping a friend shouldn't mean crisis
Tessa Silberbauer
24 January 2007 at 11h00

For this week I want to share a little of my own story. Not because I did anything unusual, but because it illustrates the point I want to cover. A few years ago, a friend of mine was in trouble and needed help. I had the ability and resources to do so, and so naturally I offered, even though the timing was a little unfortunate for me. I ran into some problems as a result.

Several months ago, a similar situation arose when another friend with unfortunate timing but different circumstances, needed help. This time, I was able to contribute to a happier result as well as showing support.

This is not unusual. Anyone would do the same if they had the energy and resources to help out. What is important is that I knew, before I offered my help, that it would take a fair amount of time. A few years ago, I would have gone ahead and done it anyway. But the younger me would have forgotten my other responsibilities and made trouble for myself. This time, I made a plan to cope with the schedule changes as well as dealing with my friend's problem. The outcome was that I never felt resentment, or anger at myself for creating the inconvenience. Of course the irony is that I also realised the differences in the way I'd acted much later.

No matter how aware we try to be, the real changes often occur so subtly that we miss them - and miss out on acknowledging an improvement. But that's another article. This month I have been focusing on creating realistic goals - modified New Year's resolutions that stand a chance of succeeding.

But no matter how well you plan things, life does get in the way. It is inhuman to expect ourselves to foresee everything. Every action we take or avoid is a choice. When things change, we could choose to do what "Younger Me" used to: spend time bemoaning the change, being angry about it, fighting it, and finally trying to find a way to deal with it. Or we could choose to accept the fact immediately, and look at our plans to see what needs to be adjusted as a result.The difference is small, but profound.

We still suffer inconveniences. We still don't get everything going our way. But we own the fact, and we lessen our own discomfort, anger and fear levels as a result. How many times do you hear yourself, or someone else, say: "I should have seen this coming?"

There is a reason for everything. The reason we don't see things coming is because we aren't looking in that direction. Most of the time, this is because there are so many other pressing issues that hold our attention. There is only so much that you can pay attention to at one time.

So, right now, at the beginning of the year, accept that you will be blindsided by at least one large issue and many other smaller urgent situations during the next year. There is no fault or blame there, it is a simple fact of life. But the size of the crisis that results depends on your reactions to them. When changes happen, promise yourself to devote a small amount of attention to what adaptations you need to make in your personal targets - start practising now, with the trivial surprises.

Tessa Silberbauer is a Johannesburg-based life management trainer. For information, corporate training or private consulting, contact her on 083 310 0955 or at livingskills@webmail.co.za