IT'S ALL IN OUR ATTITUDE

Wow! What a powerful piece and one that is so true of most of us and certainly of me in particular. I will surely be more aware of what I say verses what I mean in my converstations going forward. Certainly an "eye opener" for me.

Regards
Nikki


Tessa Silberbauer09 October 2006 at 06h00

We live in a violent society. One of the most common complaints around the braai is the crime rate and violence around us, and also reflected in our movies and other art work. I don't believe that violence on TV encourages people to be more violent. We are not that easily controlled. But I have noticed how easily we point out faults in others while ignoring our own. Violence is the result of disrespect for others, for yourself, and a belief that you cannot get what you need by any other way. But there are many forms of violence; one of them is coldness towards a person who is trying to talk to us. Another is road rage - even if the angry person never gets out of the car.Have you noticed the phrases we tend to use when we feel strongly? "I can't stand it …", "There's nothing worse than …", "I hate it when …" and "It kills me …" Of course there's nothing wrong with this type of statement per se - but it is the language of excesses and of violence.It encourages the attitude that forgets the grey areas between black and white, that refuses to validate anything but its own thinking. In the moment of conversation, it discourages creative thinking, and reduces the chance of finding a middle ground between our opinions and those of the people that we're talking to. And we cannot create a peaceful environment if we ourselves are using violent language, because our way of talking is both created by and influences the way we think. I am not suggesting that this type of language creates people who have no control over their actions. What I am saying is that we are indulging in a way of thinking which creates emotional violence. One of the principles of self-mastery is regaining control over our own minds. And one of the ways - or paths - toward that goal is the careful choice of word or phrase. To say what you mean and to mean what you say, is very hard - harder than it sounds, and harder than it feels at first. It feels very easy - until we learn to notice the words and phrases we use in our speech and thinking.
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When this is added to the fact that we converse by default not with attention it is further complicated. We are creatures of habit, and once we find ways and topics for communicating we tend to stay in those patterns for comfort. We seldom truly pay attention to each other. And we know this. Important things often get overlooked in conversations - or they are noticed but not acknowledged for one reason or another. We feel snubbed and so we try harder to be heard. Our conversation becomes driven more by others' actions than our own truths.And, of course, when everyone is trying to get acknowledged, we end up in a roomful of shouting people, which only deafens everyone.
Notice how you express yourself the next time you talk about something which you dislike. Look at the images and symbols you use, and the nature of those symbols.
Are those images congruent with your desire to create a peaceful environment?
How would you use non-aggressive images instead of violent speech? How different do those images feel?
Notice how difficult it is to change the habit of extreme language.
Can you use different language and still be heard? Can you create a personal space where both parties are heard, and neither is "fighting" for their opinions to be respected?
Tessa Silberbauer is a Joburg-based life management trainer. For information, corporate training or private consulting, contact her at 083-310-0955 or livingskills@webmail.co.za